Scott A. Selis
Becoming an effective person is a difficult journey. Just over one week ago, I received word that I was going to close an important business deal. Then, out of the blue, I was told that the group had learned about behavior that occurred 10 years ago, which when combined with other factors, caused me to lose the deal two days ago. I felt devastated, helpless and hopeless.
But I rebounded. I was proactive. I reviewed my business plans and began implementing another plan. I was so proud of myself. I had responded proactively. I took “response-ability” for my behavior and chose a response that was consistent with one of my deeply held principles.
Then, yesterday, I had a meeting with a prospective client. As our cash flow was poor, I knew that getting a “yes” commitment was critical. And I was concerned that I would be so wrapped up in that goal that I wouldn’t be able to ”seek first to understand” before making my proposal.
So, on the way to the meeting, I listened to the “Empathic Listening” segment of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It reminded me that I could not be effective unless I truly understood the prospective client’s concerns. And when I got to the meeting, I was focused.
The meeting went very well until it was time to get the commitment. I heard those dreaded words – “We want to think about it.”
Ugh. My internal dialogue was angry & intense.
“Think about what? You knew the range of fees before I got here. You knew the service being offered. At the beginning of the meeting, I explained that I would make suggestions and that you should pick whichever one you wanted or tell me that you weren’t interested. You agreed that you would do so. ”
Yet, even though the fees for the services I proposed were at the lower end of the scale, I couldn’t shake them off “thinking about it.” So, I left angry, confused and frustrated.
I replayed the scene over and over again. I wondered why they had wasted my time. I wondered why they had wasted their own time. I complained to my staff. I was behaving re actively.
But once I settled down, I reflected on the meeting to ascertain what I could have done better. I recognized that I had responded very poorly to their desire to “think about it.” Had I done an effective job of understanding the concerns that they felt were not being addressed, I might have had better success.
Even though I had been reactive in the meeting, I was proactive afterwards. I took response-ability for my reaction, and I recognized that my reaction had negatively impacted the result. I took “response-ability.”
Yesterday’s experience re-affirmed that I can only become an “interdependent” person when I have mastered each of the “personal independence” habits. And my struggles yesterday happened largely because I have not yet mastered the first habit – Be Proactive.
Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.
My emotions controlled my responses at the end of the meeting rather than me responding effectively despite my emotional state. So, tomorrow, I am going back to the “habit one” portion of the book. I need to master that habit if I am ever going to be an effective listener.
Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com
