It’s a Matter of Choice…

Ineffective people are everywhere.  And it’s hard to be an effective person in an ineffective world.  Everywhere I turn, people are reacting to their circumstances rather than choosing a response.  I constantly hear blame-casting language. 

I can’t help it, I’m in a bad mood.

If I had more time, I’d be able to tackle this.

S/he makes me so mad that I can’t control anger.

So, how easy is it to simply join in the chorus of reactivity.  To blame my weight on eating habits I learned watching my parents is so easy.  To blame my general malaise on the conduct of friends, co-w0rkers, family etc. is so easy.  And that’s precisely what  I did yesterday.  Hardly the effective response to my mood.

I woke and was just – well, blahhhhhh.  You know the feeling.  In movies and comedy acts, it’s referred to as the “I don’t give a ‘&$*(#’ syndrome.”  And when that hit yesterday, I crawled into a hole.   I told myself that I didn’t want to face certain issues that had been brewing for a while.  I blamed my malaise on those issues and genuinely felt that I couldn’t go to work. 

So, I took the day off.  I called it a “mental health” day.  Sure, I worked from home via the internet, but that’s just not the same as showing up at the office. 

By reacting to my circumstance, I didn’t act in concert with my most treasured principle of fairness to other people (in this instance, my team at the office) and hard work.   And I was stressed all day as a result.

Because that’s what acting outside of my inner-most principles does to me.  It throws me into a tailspin.

So, today, as I got up, I chose to acknowledge my malaise, suck it up and go to work.  And I was happy all day.  I made progress on several important fronts.  And I feel proud of myself. 

So, at least for today, I mastered the first habit.  I chose my response to my feelings rather than simply reacting to them.

Here’s to being more effective tomorrow than I was today.

 

 

Scott A. Selis

 

Cutting at the Roots – Part 2

My friend, Cindy Newman, who is a therapist, wrote the following comment on my facebook page after reading my last blog entry “Cutting at the Roots.”

If you linger in the why you can stay in a philosophical aura of chaos, but possibly not transcend it. Get into the breath work and leave the mind for a moment or two.

Cindy’s comment is a worthy one, and deserves some comment.  To most people, “cutting at the roots” would suggest that I intend to explore the recesses of my mind to determine why I behave in ways that are inconsistent with my life philosophy so that I might change my behavior.  And in modern culture, that is precisely what some would do. 

In an effort to find reasons to support one’s lack of control over his/her responses to daily stimulus, some look at their genetics.  “My father’s from Russia, and we Russians are aggressive people, so that’s how I am,’” some might think. 

Others might look toward their surroundings.  For example, some might explain away their behavior by saying that they are dishonest because they were raised in a slum or were mistreated by a parent.

Or maybe they would look toward their upbringing.  “I do these things because that’s what I was taught to do,” some might explain.

While all of these factors and others might contribute to the way we have behaved in the past, I firmly believe that we are responsible for our current and future behavior, regardless of outside influences.

Dr. Covey explains in the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” that what differentiates us from the animals is our ability to look at ourselves, identify what we like and don’t like, and CHOOSE to change the behaviors we don’t like.

I have successfully modified various undesirable behaviors in the past many times.  Usually, it was a temporary change.  For example, I have changed my eating habits, a jazillion times, only to fall back into the same old eating habits.  When I didn’t like how snappy I had gotten, I stopped being snappy.  But eventually, that returned too.  And on & on…

But this time, I am determined to PERMANENTLY change my unpleasant behavior.  And I will do so by creating new ways of seeing myself, not by examining what has caused me to get this way.  That is what I meant when I said that I would cut at the roots.  If I can change the way I see myself, I can change the behavior that surrounds that paradigm.

But how.  How does one change their own fundamental views of oneself?  I will do it by regularly visualizing behavior that is consistent with my core principles.  In 7 Habit parlance, I will ”Begin with the end in Mind”. 

Many of us have heard or read the “What will people say about you at your funeral” scenario.  For those of you who haven’t, it goes something like this. 

If you were to die 5 years from now, what would people truthfully say about you?  Would what they say be consistent with what you would want them to say?

To ensure that people say things about me at my funeral that I want them to say requires that I behave every day in a manner that ensures that end. 

Doing so is living within my core principle.  Failure to live within my core principles creates stress, aggravation and tension in my life.  Living within them does quite the opposite.

So, beginning with today, I will strive to live within my core principles daily.  But how do I live within those principles when I sometimes feel that I have no control over my reactions?

The answer for me, I hope, is with affirmations and then a visualization of me living a difficult circumstance within that affirmation.  You can see a good description of what an affirmation is by clicking here. 

To permanently overcome the habits that I dislike, I must first identify what my central philosophy is about that subject.  For example, my health.

My core principle about health is that I want to live a pain-free, disease-free life.  At my funeral, I want people to truthfully say that I behaved in a manner to ensure that I remained healthy.  No one who knows me well can truthfully say that right now.

So, if I want to permanently change my unhealthy habits, I must first start behaving in a way that will allow people to truthfully say that I behaved in a healthy manner.  The problem is that I don’t genuinely believe in my heart that I can change what is at the core of my lack of health – my eating habits.  I feel totally out of control when it comes to my eating choices.

So, I must change my paradigm.  I must SEE myself as someone who is empowered to make the right choices when it comes to eating and healthy living, in general.  Because between the time that I see a Pizza commercial and run to the freezer to heat up a slice of pizza, I have the choice to choose otherwise. 

My problem is that I do not internally believe that I have the power to do so.  And that is what must change.

I must write an affirmation about eating.  I must visualize my ability to comfortably decide not to heat up the piece of pizza simply because I saw a food commercial.  As Covey says, ”Between Stimulus & Response, lies the ability to choose.   Identifying & selecting the best choice is proactivity. 

A business associate to whom I feel close, Louanne Conklin, read my last post and said:

Little irritations are a daily routine. When I’m faced with them, I ask myself “do I want to react or respond?” Allowing me time to take a couple of deep breaths and count to ten, I can process the situation and ultimately, respond with a much cooler head. Using some of my “heartmath” skills really helps me process the situation with a calmer heart and head.

Folks – that is the essence of proactivity.  The power to choose our response.

 

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Scott A. Selis

 

Cutting at the Roots

Over the last several months, my ”effectiveness” has dwindled.  I have tried to reshape my behavior, sometimes with good results, sometimes without.  So, I focused, this week, on my behavior.  Was I “reactive” or “proactive,” I wondered. 

I was disappointed by some of what I saw, yet encouraged by other things.  I was snappy toward my family and co-workers when unexpected minor irritations interrupted my day.  Remarkably, I was unphased by major negative events.  I was able to be more “proactive” with the big stuff, while being less proactive with the small stuff.   Contrary to the infamous book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff“, I did. 

Minor inconveniences would irritate me.  When the air conditioning  air handler in my office leaked, it ruined various documents and a calculator.  The ceiling tiles in my office were destroyed.  But remarkably, I was calm, cool & collected.    And I chose that response intentionally.  By definition, I was “proactive”. 

I decided that I would rely on the landlord to take  care of the problem while using other resources in my office to maintain my productivity.  I remained calm, cool, and collected.  And it felt good.

When I compared that to my choices when it came to the small stuff, I was shocked.  The daily interruptions from other team members bothered me.  “How do I do this?”  “How do I do that”  Other questions and issues would interrupt my daily activity  My chosen  response – “Grrrrrrr.”  I became irritated, annoyed, and frequently rude  to those interrupting me. 

Why such a big difference?  Why did I have so much difficulty choosing my response to little things, but hardly any difficulty dealing with the “big stuff”. 

I was baffled.  So, on a long  drive, I decided to listen to the unabridged audio book – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - from the beginning, for the umpteenth time.

As I listened to Stephen Covey describe various things, one thing struck me when he quoted some famous person whose name I cannot recall saying, “For every thousand people hacking at the leaves, there is one person cutting at the roots.” 

That was precisely what I had been doing.  I had been hacking at the leaves of my daily reactions, rather than cutting at the roots of them.  When I didn’t like the choices I had made in my reactions to the “little” aggravating stuff, I changed my behavior.  I removed the dull leaf that is the “reactive” response.  While admirable, hacking at a leaf won’t last long if that’s all I do.  

The “leaves” I had cut away would simply grow back.    At first, they would be bright and beautiful, but as the daily weather would batter the leaves, my tree would do what it always does.  It would dull the colors until finally, the tree would be leafless again – either because I would once again cut at the leaves or because the leaves became so weak that they couldn’t survive.

No, I have to cut at the roots.  I must examine WHY I have so much difficulty choosing a good response to the “little things.”  If I want those leaves that I cut away to grow back and remain beautiful, I must first nurture the tree at the roots.

 

7 Habits – A Weekly Challenge

The 7 Habits is all about effectiveness, first through habit-buidling.  At the heart of the first habit is making and keeping promises to oneself.  So, here’s my promise.

I will write on this blog at least one time per week.   I was inspired to do this by the movie, “Julie & Julia”.  The lead character in that movie is a blogger who writes about her cooking episodes.

Every day, I face challenges that can be best answered by following the 7 habits.  And it’s hard.  Because following the 7 Habits is not a natural human response.  At least not for me. 

But I know it’s the best way to be effective in life.  So, as I continue my journey toward developing an “effective” life, I will share my experiences with you.

 

Getting Back Up

What if you had no arms or legs?  How would you respond?  Would you complain, cry or whine.  Or would you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.  

Maybe you are going through a divorce, are dealing with the loss of a loved one, have experienced a business failure, have become incapacitated, are struggling in school, have a boss who is giving you trouble at work, or just have trouble dealing with the day-to-day frustrations we all experience in life.  

The Key point of the 7 Habits is that to be effective when dealing with others, we must be fully in control of how we respond to external stimuli. 

Watch this inspiring video to learn about how a man with no arms and legs deals with falling down.  Hopefully, you will find it easier to choose an effective response to whatever ails you that will be inspiring to all. 

I hope that you find peace during this important holiday season.  Happy Passover & Easter.

Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com

 

How do YOU Measure Effectiveness? – The P/PC Balance

 

Scott A. Selis

How do you determine whether you’re “effective?”  Is it determined by what others say about you?

He’s a really good businessman.  He has tons of money saved.  Or…

What a great mom she is.  Her home is always spotless.  Or…

She’s a great manager.  Her profit margin was 50% higher than the rest of the middle managers at the company.

Or is effectiveness measured internally?  Are you an effective person when you have thoughts like these?

I spend lots of time with my family.  Sure, my business is struggling, but my kids and wife know me.

My business is doing great.  And it got there because of my hard work for the last 10 years.  I’ve busted my tail working 70 – 80 hours per week.  But who is that lady that shares my bed every night?

Sure, I’ve had no job for the last 15 years, but I have dedicated myself to learning.  I am always stiving to improve on my knowledge base.  Eventually, the productivity will take care of itself.

In my experience, most people measure whether they are “effective” by their productivity.  If you have lots of money, you’re effective.  But if all you ever do is work on improving your business, then you’re not effective. 

The sales person with the highest revenue generation is considered the most “effective,” while the salesperson who is learning how to be a better salesperson is not. 

But Dr. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People defines “effectiveness” differently.  To Dr. Covey, effectiveness is measured by having a balanced approach to productivity of desired results (P) & production capability of producing those results (PC).  It is the “P/PC” balance.

 

Dr. Covey points out that if we focus too much on productivity without maintaining the machine that creates the productivity, then we will lose our ability to produce.  Dr. Covey compares a failed P/PC balance to the person who uses a lawn mower week after week without maintaining it until it will no longer run.  Thus, s/he loses the “P” of having a well-manicured lawn. 

So, by failing to devote time, energy & resources to ”production capability”, we lose the ability to produce desired results.  Conversely, if we don’t devote sufficient time to “productivity”, we will lose the ability to devote resources to production capability.  In either scenario, we’re not “effective.”

Lately, I have been struggling with the productivity side of the equation.  As I retreated from the later lessons of the 7 Habits and got back to basics, I realized that my P/PC balance is way out of whack.

I have been dedicating a great deal of time and energy to the production capability side, instead.  This blog is a perfect example of that.

So, I have decided that if I am to be more effective, I have to generate more productivity.  To do so, I will perform my work in a way that produces more happy clients.  I will implement procedures and processes that will generate more referrals and referral sources.  I will cut any spending that I can identify which is wasteful.

And although the tempation is to abandon the PC side of the equation, I must not do so.  I must continue to spend time and energy on important “PC” activities, such as strategic market planning.

 

Struggles with Proactivity

Scott A. Selis

Becoming an effective person is a difficult journey.  Just over one week ago, I received word that I was going to close an important business deal.  Then, out of the blue, I was told that the group had learned about behavior that occurred 10 years ago, which when combined with other factors, caused me to lose the deal two days ago.  I felt devastated, helpless and hopeless.

But I rebounded.  I was proactive.  I reviewed my business plans and began implementing another plan.  I was so proud of myself.  I had responded proactively.  I took “response-ability” for my behavior and chose a response that was consistent with one of my deeply held principles.

Then, yesterday, I had a meeting with a prospective client.  As our cash flow was poor, I knew that getting a “yes” commitment was critical.  And I was concerned that I would be so wrapped up in that goal that I wouldn’t be able to ”seek first to understand” before making my proposal.

So, on the way to the meeting, I listened to the “Empathic Listening” segment of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  It reminded me that I could not be effective unless I truly understood the prospective client’s concerns.  And when I got to the meeting, I was focused. 

 

The meeting went very well until it was time to get the commitment.  I heard those dreaded words – “We want to think about it.”

Ugh.  My internal dialogue was angry & intense.  

“Think about what?  You knew the range of fees before I got here.  You knew the service being offered.  At the beginning of the meeting, I explained that I would make suggestions and that you should pick whichever one you wanted or tell me that you weren’t interested.  You agreed that you would do so. ”

Yet, even though the fees for the services I proposed were at the lower end of the scale, I couldn’t shake them off “thinking about it.”  So, I left angry, confused and frustrated.  

I replayed the scene over and over again.  I wondered why they had wasted my time.  I wondered why they had wasted their own time.  I complained to my staff.  I was behaving re actively. 

But once I settled down, I reflected on the meeting to ascertain what I could have done better.  I recognized that I had responded very poorly to their desire to “think about it.”  Had I done an effective job of understanding the concerns that they felt were not being addressed, I might have had better success. 

Even though I had been reactive in the meeting, I was proactive afterwards.  I took response-ability for my reaction, and I recognized that my reaction had negatively impacted the result.  I took “response-ability.”  

Yesterday’s experience re-affirmed that I can only become an “interdependent” person when I have mastered each of the “personal independence” habits.  And my struggles yesterday happened largely because I have not yet mastered the first habit – Be Proactive. 

Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.

–Stephen Covey 

My emotions controlled my responses at the end of the meeting rather than me responding effectively despite my emotional state.  So, tomorrow, I am going back to the “habit one” portion of the book.  I need to master that habit if I am ever going to be an effective listener.

Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com

 

Understand, then be Understood

Scott A. Selis

I hate arguments.  It doesn’t matter whether I am in an argument with a loved one, business associate or an acquaintance.  When the argument’s over, I feel awful.    

I even hate watching arguments.  When the talking heads on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc., start battling between themselves, I change the channel.  I think that these people and those who watch these programs enjoy arguments.  They get to “make their point” and feel that they have “won.” 

I would rather have bamboo shoved into into my fingernails or stand barefoot on hot coals.  

So, one of the most attractive things to me about the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is Habit 5, which teaches that we must first seek to understand.  Afterwards, we can seek to be understood.

People understand me so poorly that they even don’t understand my complaint about them not understanding me.
     – Soren Kierkegaard

At its core, Habit 5 mandates “empathic listening”, which requires that the listener focus more on the speaker’s body language, facial expressions, tone and emotion than on the speaker’s words.  Only when the listener verifies that s/he correctly understands what is intended to be communicated by the speaker should the the listener try to make their point.  It’s not an easy “habit” for a litigator to learn.

But I am learning it.  Sometimes with more success than others.  Today was not a good day for the empathic listening habit.

My day started with a lengthy discussion with a client about a problem she had with one member of my staff.  The problem with the staff member wasn’t of a critical nature, but it took me about 1/2 hour to really figure out the point that she was trying to make.

And the process was frustrating.  After she would make a point, I  would tell her what I understood, which was that she was frustrated that certain questions weren’t being answered to her satisfaction.  But each time I explained my perception of her complaint, she would again restate it.

It was obvious that I wasn’t understanding what she was trying to say.  No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get it right.

Then, there was a breakthrough.  After I said that she felt that we failed to create accurate expectations of what could be expected during the course of representation, she said that I understood her completely.  So, I felt ready to be understood.    

I took a deep breath and mustering all of the courage I had, I acknowledged that we could have done a better job of explaining expectations.  However, I told her that I also felt that some, but not all of the questions she asked were outside the scope of our representation. 

Well, she didn’t want any part of it.  She went right back to the point that she originally made with more vigor and aggression in her voice than when the conversation began. 

So, I decided to abandon the point that I wanted to make and shifted to changes we would make to our processes to ensure that she and other similarly situated clients would better understand what they should reasonably expect from our law firm.

She felt great.  I didn’t.  She felt understood.  I didn’t.  And feeling understood is important to me. 

Immediately afterwards, I got into a huge argument with my wife because I felt that she didn’t “understand” a point that I was trying to make and the feelings behind it.  After calming down, I genuinely apologized. 

But it was too late.  She felt horribly and so did I.  Especially since she was not 100%.  You see, she’s been under the weather since yesterday.  I had unfairly directed my anger and frustration from the conversation that I had with a client at her.  And she was completely innocent. 

Afterwards, I kept wondering how I could have such a high regard for the 7 Habits, yet behave in a manner so inconsistent with them?  I was incredibly reactive, which is in direct contradiction to habit 1 – be proactive.

Then I remembered one of Dr. Stephen R. Covey’s most foreboding warnings.  To paraphrase, Dr. Covey, author of ”The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, teaches that one shouldn’t parachute into later habits until s/he has mastered earlier habits.  It’s like trying to do geometry without understanding fractions. 

And as hard as I work at implementing the habits, I sometimes fail.  And today was one of those days.  Sometimes, the emotions of a moment contribute to being reactive.  The truly effective person is able to choose his or her response to an emotion rather than allow the emotion to dictate his or her response.

Today, I wasn’t an “effective” person.  I tried to master habit 5 without first mastering habit 1.  I tried to do geometry without understanding fractions.  And the result was disastrous.  

As my late grandmother used to say, sometimes its just better to “agree to disagree.”  And she was right. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com

 

Dealing with Mistakes – The Circles of Influence & Concern

Scott A. Selis

What do you do if mistakes you have made interfere with your business goals?  Well, today I learned that mistakes that I have made over the last several years might jeopardize my ability to finalize an important business deal.  Today’s post will outline how I dealt with the situation, in keeping with Habit One – Be Proactive. 

When I shared the result of the conference with my wife, the disappointment  and fear in her eyes and body language was palpable.  I was angry with myself for making these mistakes, and I felt helpless.  

For an hour or so after this morning’s phone conference, I was completely stressed out.  But after the initial emotion of the moment waned, I was able to focus on my “circle of influence” rather than my “circle of concern.” 

A key part of being proactive is maintaing focus on one’s “circle of influence” rather than on his or her ”circle of concern”.  Dr. Covey explains in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” that when one worries about things that s/he cannot influence, it causes worry and ineffective use of energy that if positively focused could bring about desired results. 

Things that one cannot control are said to be in the circle of concern.  These are things like the weather, the economy, etc.  Things that one can control are in the circle of influence.  These are things like our behavior, the choices we make, etc.

A more detailed explanation of the circles of concern and influence is found on Dr. Mary R. Bast’s website, and the following diagram was copied from her website.

 

As I focused on fears that I had, that my wife had, and the frustrations that I had about my own past mistakes, I realized that I was within my circle of concern rather than my circle of influence.

Focusing on the fallout from a mistake is squarely withing the circle of concern rather than the circle of influence. 

So, I shifted gears.  I realized that I needed to think about how to create an environment that would allow the greatest chance of success rather than beat myself up for things that were far beyond my control. 

I began by identifying what could happen between now and next week which could jeopardize the ability to finalize the agreement.

I realized that there was a lot of information shared during the 1/2 hour phone conference this morning.  There are also a lot of people involved in helping the decision maker come to a conclusion. 

However, due to the holiday, he will not have the opportunity to speak with them until Monday.  As a result, I perceived the greatest threat as questions which might arise from the other people which the decision maker might find it difficult to answer without a written explanation from me.

So, I decided to write an e-mail which would address the decision maker’s concerns.  The decision maker could then share this with the others who will have influence upon his decision.  Writing the email would also reduce the risk that time would cloud which explanation was attributable to which issue.

The email, which took about 3 hours to prepare covered the following items:

• outline of the subjects and issues discussed;
• a specific discussion of each subject and issue from my perspective;
• a description of what I perceived were the decision maker’s concerns;
• suggestions to deal with each of the perceived concerns; and
• other points that I hoped that the decision maker would consider before making his final decision.

I have no idea whether the decision maker will decide to go forward with the proposal.  I obviously hope that he will do so, and I will be disappointed if the deal falls through.

But I have peace of mind because I know that I have done all within my power to give the decision maker the tools that he needs to make an informed decision when soliciting input from others.  All of the other stuff is out my control. 

By operating within my circle of influence, I believe that I have given myself, my family and my business the greatest potential for success available.

So, the next time you are beating yourself up about mistakes you have made in the past, remember to work within your circle of influence.  Say the Serenity Prayer. 

And you will find inner peace.

Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com

 

Being Proactive…It’s Probably Not What You Think It Is

Scott A. Selis

My father was a very successful businessman before he retired.  In 1975, he purchased a struggling hearing aid dealership in Daytona Beach.  By the time of his retirement, he had turned that dealership into one of the most successful dealerships in the country.  And to get there, he worked his tail off.

As a teenager and young adult, I worked with my father.  And I was quite amuzed when someone made the mistake of telling him that he was “lucky.”  

With a modest amount of friendly sarcasm in his tone, he would usually retort, “The harder I work, the luckier I get.”  I didn’t know it then, but that exchange outlines the core difference between proactive people, who can be “effective” and reactive people, among whom effectiveness is a serious challenge.

Dr. Covey’s description of proactivity is quite different than the usual description of proactivity.  According to Dr. Covey, Proactive people take responsibility for their life’s circumstance.  They realize that their behavior has natural consequences.  So, the proactive person recognizes that they must take control of their behavior. 

Reactive people, on the other hand, blame external factors for their life’s circumstance.  They “have” to do things.  They “can’t” do things.  They believe that they are either the victim or beneficiary of circumstance. 

Reactive people are known for saying things like:

• If only I was “lucky”, I would have success.
• I can’t go to the movie because I have to study.
• I have to go home, because if I work late my wife will get angry.

And so on.

But the proactive person approaches life’s circumstances differently.  The proactive person realizes that they can “choose” what they want to do.  They don’t “have” to do something.  They “choose” to do something. 

Proactive people say things like:

• I am enjoying the level of success I desire because I have chosen to work long and hard.
• I would love to go to the movie, but if I do, then I will get a bad grade on tomorrow’s test.  I prefer the good grade to the good movie experience.  I hope you’ll understand.
• I am not going to work late today because I want to spend time with my wife tonight.  I will come in early tomorrow to handle the most critical aspects of the project.

Can you sense the level of internal peace that comes with knowing that you have control? 

But it’s not easy being proactive.  As described by Dr. Covey, the proactive person recognizes that the opportunity to choose lies between stimulus and response. 

But sometimes the emotion of a moment might be so strong that it overwhelms the desire to choose.  The next post will deal with my ongoing struggle with being proactive.

Scott A. Selis - scottselis@yahoo.com